Emptying my mind / Monday, July 29, 2013
You know how there are just some days where nothing seems to go your way? Indeed.
I know how it feels to be a pleaser cuz I'm mostly one. You try your best to please the shit out of everyone regardless the situation. That's how I almost never get angry (although I'll say it's a different thing at home) cuz I don't like to see unhappy or angry people. Or in other words it can also be phrased as I'm afraid of offending people. But then there are just some times where you offend people without even knowing why or how, and everything just seems to go down when you don't even have e slightest idea why. You never know when it's coming, it just does. And when it does, it strikes hard and you're just left in a corner wondering what the hell just happened, but it's often too late for you to try to salvage what's left of everything.
I'm not trying to say that's it's not my fault cuz I know it often is. I know that I do many actions, say many stuff mindlessly and happen to offend or hurt people, I do recognise that it's my fault but often I guess I'm too much of a scaredy cat to apologise. I honestly hate this about me, but yeah sigh. Also hate how I'm such an idiot that everything is my fault. And I've learnt this way too many times as well, through the hard way. I know that words do hurt cuz I've felt them as well. Felt them way toomany times that sometimes I feel like I've grown numb to it.
The point of this post isn't to prove any point or anything but rather to empty some of my thoughts out so I can go and study with a clearer mind. Just feeling a little more down as usual but well, blame myself as usual. Learnt that I should know to shut up and not make any comments cuz I never know the right things to say, and end up getting lashed at anyway so there's just no point in saying anything. No point in trying to prove or show anything cuz I'll never be believed and yall just treat my words as a ridiculous bunch of bullshit anyway. Well, cuz your ideologies/thoughts are probably way better than mine, cuz I speak too mindlessly yeah.
Sometimes I find it really sad how the older we grow, the less we speak cuz we've grown through the shit people have thrown at us, and learnt how to shut up at moments. These moments often turn to periods and then people just learn how to shut up totally and no one ever expresses their real views again, and the people who always dared wins and stay triumphant forever. I don't even think I'm making much sense out of this but I'm just trying to convey all the bits and pieces in my mind into chunks of words, cuz it gets really tiring to have to store that much shit in your mind when it's actually meant to store much more meaningful memories. Another thing I dislike about myself - how much I bottle up everything up cuz I don't like the idea of sharing my troubles and thoughts with others. Always makes me feel like I'm irritating other people and sad to say, I'm also not one to trust other people that easily after all. It actually sucks to have to turn to many other ways to relieve such thoughts. As much as I would like to change it's just too much for me to overcome within myself.
This post actually feels like a cry of help after I scanned through it. So be it. There are just too many things I've learnt to let go and ignore, leave it and all cuz I really don't have so much energy to be bothered about everything. I'll just suck everything which people throw at me up cuz I've learnt to keep my piece to myself and just go around pleasing everyone. I guess life's just easier this way.
Labels: emotions, rants
ignite! Singapore: Take 5! / Thursday, July 11, 2013
Held a small initiative for our english project's video with amelia and cheryl today at sentosa/vivo. So our initiative Take 5, was actually an act of high-fiving strangers to pass on the liveliness and happiness in SG. Gave them small notes as well. Quite an eye-opener for me I must say. Not so much of seeing new stuff, but more of a big realisation.
Not going to talk so much about how the entire thing went but more about what I feel about the entire thing so I guess this is kinda going to be a messy post. Most of my thoughts aren't very sorted out as well haha. The simple act of a high-five to strangers brought smiles to many of those who responded to us when we approached them. Of course there were also people who rejected us (mostly SGreans sadly) but many did acknowledge us tho some of them were a lil' apprehensive at first.
First thing I would like to talk about is the fact that most of the people who rejected/ignored us were SGreans. Quite a sad fact as this project was targeted mainly to raise awareness about their liveliness. It occurred to me that our lives in SG were so fast-paced that we don't even have time to appreciate anything around us. We are so constrained by time that most of us don't even have time to relax. We just dismiss strangers and random people off in our lives cuz they aren't part of our fast-paced lives. I guess this is what makes SG such a dull place sometimes.
Next is about the feeling of happiness of bring smiles to their face. Haven't felt so happy in awhile honestly, having strangers' faces turn from confusion to smiles. Most of them were confused at our initiative at first, but after explaining and high-fiving, they all had smiles on their face, and it really made my day. To know that someone is slightly happier than before because of your efforts is a really blissful and heartwarming thing to know. Although a high-five might sound superficial to some, I think that it isn't really about what we do or how we do it, but about the result that comes out of it - making someone happy. However I guess I still prefer the conventional way of service, through helping them. Thought about becoming a social worker in future but I guess I won't prioritise it as my career, but just a hobby/interest in the future.
Might just come up with more similar initiatives in the future maybe in the holidays, cuz nothing beats the surge of happiness from being able to benefit others.
Labels: life, service, thoughts
In a few years / Monday, July 1, 2013
1st day of school today and I've been quite off-key today I think. I'm not one who hates school but maybe I'm just tired today, so most of the time I acted weird lol.
Lessons as usual today, don't really like the new timetable though. Went out at normal school time to get some breakfast at macs with sprout in the morning. Could get used to the 9am school on monday haha. It's been some time since I slept in lessons from term 2 - I used to sleep all the time but I kinda changed to try to stay awake around may. Dozed off during math today and I think it's time for me to get myself together again and try my best to stay awake :|
So after school went to jem with sprout for dinner!
Headed to ambush for dinner and this was like a meat and tomato based paella! Tasted alright but not would not specially go back there just for this dish haha. During dinner we talked a lot and one of the topics got me thinking really hard even as I reached home.
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So, how do you see yourself after university? In 10 years?
Well, I'm turning 16 this year and honestly, I have no clue. This question always gets me stuck everytime. When I was young, I had this dream of opening a book store with ceiling-high shelves filled with books. I lived this dream by buying loads of books when I was young, but it kind of faded away after a few years when I realised that it wasn't that feasible to open a store. When I went to school I envisioned being a teacher when I grew up, so that I could teach and help the students. But that stopped for a certain reason in around year 2/3. My most recent ambition was then to be a doctor cuz I wanted to save people. I realised that all it took was a doctor to change someone's condition and I wanted to be such a person which could save lives. But now, I'm not really clear of what I want to be. The doctor ambition is sort of still around, but I feel that it's really pressuring and stressful to be a doctor albeit the amount of people I can help.
I thought about it, I thought about what I wanted to do after everything. I wanted to save lives, I wanted to make other peoples' lives better, I wanted to help others. I then realised what I wanted to do was to be of help to people in the future, be it through medicine or other ways. I've always wanted to do social work to give back to the society. I'm also someone who likes giving advice, "counselling" other people, encouraging them in their hardships and seeing my efforts pay off when they feel better. I've always liked being a good listening ear, and I've also always liked it when others appreciated my help. In chinese, 助人为快乐之本. I like to help people with the aim of pleasing them and making them happy.
So I decided, that I see myself as someone who can be of as much help as possible to others in a few years time after I graduate. I've wanted to do this for quite some time and I guess I'll live to it in the future :-)
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Feels good to be able to sort out your thoughts and the possible routes you'll be able to take in the future. Haven't decided on a certain ambition but at least I know what I want to be able to do next time. But of cuz if I want to do that I'll have to start now, and kick off all my bad habits and start getting myself together. Have been really disorganised recently and I think it's really time to get my shit together. Term 3 is going to be a really hectic term and I've got to learn how to not just survive it, but also live it.
Gotta set some personal goals for myself, gather my shit and do this. Cuz what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Good night :-)
Labels: life, school, thoughts
