Emptying my mind / Monday, July 29, 2013
You know how there are just some days where nothing seems to go your way? Indeed.
I know how it feels to be a pleaser cuz I'm mostly one. You try your best to please the shit out of everyone regardless the situation. That's how I almost never get angry (although I'll say it's a different thing at home) cuz I don't like to see unhappy or angry people. Or in other words it can also be phrased as I'm afraid of offending people. But then there are just some times where you offend people without even knowing why or how, and everything just seems to go down when you don't even have e slightest idea why. You never know when it's coming, it just does. And when it does, it strikes hard and you're just left in a corner wondering what the hell just happened, but it's often too late for you to try to salvage what's left of everything.
I'm not trying to say that's it's not my fault cuz I know it often is. I know that I do many actions, say many stuff mindlessly and happen to offend or hurt people, I do recognise that it's my fault but often I guess I'm too much of a scaredy cat to apologise. I honestly hate this about me, but yeah sigh. Also hate how I'm such an idiot that everything is my fault. And I've learnt this way too many times as well, through the hard way. I know that words do hurt cuz I've felt them as well. Felt them way toomany times that sometimes I feel like I've grown numb to it.
The point of this post isn't to prove any point or anything but rather to empty some of my thoughts out so I can go and study with a clearer mind. Just feeling a little more down as usual but well, blame myself as usual. Learnt that I should know to shut up and not make any comments cuz I never know the right things to say, and end up getting lashed at anyway so there's just no point in saying anything. No point in trying to prove or show anything cuz I'll never be believed and yall just treat my words as a ridiculous bunch of bullshit anyway. Well, cuz your ideologies/thoughts are probably way better than mine, cuz I speak too mindlessly yeah.
Sometimes I find it really sad how the older we grow, the less we speak cuz we've grown through the shit people have thrown at us, and learnt how to shut up at moments. These moments often turn to periods and then people just learn how to shut up totally and no one ever expresses their real views again, and the people who always dared wins and stay triumphant forever. I don't even think I'm making much sense out of this but I'm just trying to convey all the bits and pieces in my mind into chunks of words, cuz it gets really tiring to have to store that much shit in your mind when it's actually meant to store much more meaningful memories. Another thing I dislike about myself - how much I bottle up everything up cuz I don't like the idea of sharing my troubles and thoughts with others. Always makes me feel like I'm irritating other people and sad to say, I'm also not one to trust other people that easily after all. It actually sucks to have to turn to many other ways to relieve such thoughts. As much as I would like to change it's just too much for me to overcome within myself.
This post actually feels like a cry of help after I scanned through it. So be it. There are just too many things I've learnt to let go and ignore, leave it and all cuz I really don't have so much energy to be bothered about everything. I'll just suck everything which people throw at me up cuz I've learnt to keep my piece to myself and just go around pleasing everyone. I guess life's just easier this way.
Labels: emotions, rants
知足 / Thursday, June 6, 2013
It's 2:55 and I really ought to be sleeping but... there's simply too much going on in my head.
I feel empty. I'm luckier than many people. I have a family, friends, and I'm living in a 1st world country with all my necessities taken care of.
Yet I still feel empty.
Is it because I'm not contented enough? I feel empty when I have all that I need. All I don't have is what I want. And with the word "want", it already expresses how I don't necessarily need it. Maybe I should learn how to be content.
有人说要学会知足，才会学会快乐。
那也许是对的吧。不会珍惜自己身边所有的一切，而不断地追求更远的奢侈品的人。。。他的生活不会很累吗？人的虚荣心永远都满足不了，而这也只会渐渐地成为一种没有意义的游戏。一直追求遥远的快乐，现在不累，以后总算也会累。我们也许该停下脚步，珍惜身边所有的一切。为何需要追到遥远处来寻找快乐？身边已有的，其实也都值得我们庆幸。学会珍惜，学会满足，学会知足。这样一来，快乐也不用需要用 “找“ 的，它自己会敲上门来。
Indeed, maybe I should learn to stop looking for something which is seemingly impossible and too faraway. Happiness should be determined by oneself. My life might not be the best and most interesting one, but hey if I actually just stop trying to make my life a happier one for a moment, I'll actually realise I can be happy about the fact that I'm actually living, be it a good or bad life. It all burns down to our own mindset and definition of being "content". Will it ever be enough? You might say yes, but the answer is actually no.
Maybe this calls for a time to redefine my life. Contentness should be measured by what we already have, and not what we don't - I think that's the secret to happiness. What for brood over something that you don't have? There are sure to be 2 sides to everything. When you get the better side, be happy. When you get the worser one, be happy you even got a side.
学会知足，才会学会快乐。
Labels: emotions
Blank thoughts / Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Hmm... couldn't sleep so went around reading some blogs and found some feel to blog again so... why not? I don't know how long I'll be able to continue with this this time, but let's say this will be my temporary outlet of feelings.
Well... you know some days where you just sit there and think about life? A day where you do nothing but just think. So I'm having one of these days. Thinking. About what? Nothing. I'm thinking about something, and that something is... nothing. I always get these thoughts. Thoughts of nothingness, but they still do exist. It's weird, it's like I'm thinking about something blank... and that's when my imagination starts to run in and feel this nothingness with seemingly something, but there's still nothing.
A blank mind. I'm seemingly just staring into space, and my brain seems shut down. But I'm thinking. I feel something when I think nothing. I call this feeling nothing, because I don't know what it is. It isn't like any other feeling where you feel surges of joy or anger, there's nothing. I was watching a drama series yesterday and one of the characters had this condition known as Alexithymia. It's a condition where a person seems devoid of any emotion because they are functionally unaware of their emotions. Naturally, they also do not sense the emotions of others and do not understand the feelings of others. I definitely wouldn't classify myself as a patient of such a condition, but I'll like to define myself as of a certain similarity when I'm in this state of mind: devoid of emotions. It's like... you enter a different world. A world of emptiness. A world of nothing. Blank thoughts, no feelings.
Sometimes I like that feeling. I'm alone, in my own world. In my own world of thoughts. Blank thoughts. I get to clear my head with this nothing-ness. It refreshes my mind, and refreshes my emotions. Maybe you can term this as a clean-up of my mind. Thinking of nothing replaces all the previous weird thoughts. It's like I get to start anew with another new emotion. I like to think of it as something where I feel sort of like a sense of belonging.
Many at times I start keeping quiet in the middle of conversations or when I'm doing something to have such thoughts. They just come, and I just think. Seemingly about something, but nothing in particular. People often ask if I'm okay, yeah sure I am. I'm just thinking. People then ask, about what? Nothing. I'm thinking about nothing. Just thinking... about some of these blank thoughts.
Labels: emotions
