I know how it feels to be a pleaser cuz I'm mostly one. You try your best to please the shit out of everyone regardless the situation. That's how I almost never get angry (although I'll say it's a different thing at home) cuz I don't like to see unhappy or angry people. Or in other words it can also be phrased as I'm afraid of offending people. But then there are just some times where you offend people without even knowing why or how, and everything just seems to go down when you don't even have e slightest idea why. You never know when it's coming, it just does. And when it does, it strikes hard and you're just left in a corner wondering what the hell just happened, but it's often too late for you to try to salvage what's left of everything.

I'm not trying to say that's it's not my fault cuz I know it often is. I know that I do many actions, say many stuff mindlessly and happen to offend or hurt people, I do recognise that it's my fault but often I guess I'm too much of a scaredy cat to apologise. I honestly hate this about me, but yeah sigh. Also hate how I'm such an idiot that everything is my fault. And I've learnt this way too many times as well, through the hard way. I know that words do hurt cuz I've felt them as well. Felt them way toomany times that sometimes I feel like I've grown numb to it.

The point of this post isn't to prove any point or anything but rather to empty some of my thoughts out so I can go and study with a clearer mind. Just feeling a little more down as usual but well, blame myself as usual. Learnt that I should know to shut up and not make any comments cuz I never know the right things to say, and end up getting lashed at anyway so there's just no point in saying anything. No point in trying to prove or show anything cuz I'll never be believed and yall just treat my words as a ridiculous bunch of bullshit anyway. Well, cuz your ideologies/thoughts are probably way better than mine, cuz I speak too mindlessly yeah. 

Sometimes I find it really sad how the older we grow, the less we speak cuz we've grown through the shit people have thrown at us, and learnt how to shut up at moments. These moments often turn to periods and then people just learn how to shut up totally and no one ever expresses their real views again, and the people who always dared wins and stay triumphant forever. I don't even think I'm making much sense out of this but I'm just trying to convey all the bits and pieces in my mind into chunks of words, cuz it gets really tiring to have to store that much shit in your mind when it's actually meant to store much more meaningful memories. Another thing I dislike about myself - how much I bottle up everything up cuz I don't like the idea of sharing my troubles and thoughts with others. Always makes me feel like I'm irritating other people and sad to say, I'm also not one to trust other people that easily after all. It actually sucks to have to turn to many other ways to relieve such thoughts. As much as I would like to change it's just too much for me to overcome within myself.

This post actually feels like a cry of help after I scanned through it. So be it. There are just too many things I've learnt to let go and ignore, leave it and all cuz I really don't have so much energy to be bothered about everything. I'll just suck everything which people throw at me up cuz I've learnt to keep my piece to myself and just go around pleasing everyone. I guess life's just easier this way.